Navigating a Whackadoodle World: Episode 17, or Did You Really Just Say What I Heard You Say?

In which my student and I reflect on Rule Three: The Power of Reflection, and solve the mystery of who Carly Simon's song, "Your So Vain," is really about.

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“I thought you liked science class,” I couldn’t help but interrupt.

“I do like science class,” she assured me. “I just don’t like my science lab, or maybe it’s my lab partner that I just don’t like.”

“Why? Is she trying to cheat, or something?”

“No, nothing bad like that. She just never shuts up, and it’s never about science, or the lab we’re doing. It’s always about a boy she’s just met, or a boy she’s been dating, or a boy that just dumped her. If she’s not talking about that stuff, she’s talking about how boys are all jerks. It’s been like an endless cycle that’s driving me crazy.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “I’ve known a number of people like that,” I told her. I also couldn’t help but remember the story I’d used the first time I tried to explain the Power of Reflection.

“…For the longest time, I drifted. Until I met a captain who looked really good in shorts. So, I tied my boat up to his and climbed on board. His boat was kind of messy, so I started to clean. I kept waiting for him to say thank you, but he was too busy navigating to notice how his boat now sparkled from my work. So, I spent my savings on boat improvements, and I brought things over from my boat so that he would see how useful I was. Still, he barely noticed. Eventually, I got mad at being taken-for-granted and decided to teach him a lesson. So, I stomped back to my boat, which by this time was listing badly with neglect. But instead of casting off and getting my boat in order, I kept messing with the rope connecting our boats until we both almost capsized.

After a week, I went back to his boat to see if he had missed me. He waved and asked me to fix him a cheese sandwich. Despite my desire to throw the cheese at his head, I fixed him a sandwich. After all, his boat was nicer than my own and most of my things were aboard her anyway. Then one day, I heard a rumor that another gal had been seen making my captain cheese sandwiches. How dare she! How dare he!

Back to my leaky boat I went, where I sulked in a foot of water and did nothing of importance for weeks—except for plotting revenge against my captain’s new girlfriend’s boat, which kept me very occupied. By the time I got the energy and nerve to cast off, I was in very deep trouble. I suddenly found myself on a different river with a totally inadequate boat. I nearly drowned. For the longest time, I drifted. Until I met a captain who looked really good in shorts. So, I tied my boat up to his and climbed on board…”

A River Worth Riding: Fourteen Rules for Navigating Life, Lynn Marie Sager, 2005.

“The funny thing is,” she interrupted my thoughts. “This week she didn’t bother me quite as much.”

“How’s that?” I said, shaking myself back into focus.

“Well, I’ve been trying to pay attention to one rule at a time, like you suggested; and this week I’ve been noticing how people’s words reflect their worldview. It was kind of fascinating listening to her in a whole new way. She’s not talking about boys. She’s talking about herself.”

“It’s like the Carly Simon's Song, You're So Vain,” I agreed.

“What?”

“Don’t tell me that you have never listened to Carly Simon.”

“Okay, I will never tell you that I have never listened to Carly Simon,” she said drily.

I got out my iPad right then, and made her listen to Your So Vain. If you don’t know the song well enough to sing along, I suggest you do the same. If you do know the song well enough, you’ll want to sing along anyway. You can thank Carly later for making you feel young again. In case you haven’t noticed the other links, here is a link to Your So Vain.

“Make sure you pay attention to the words,” I reminded her, then handed her my earphones, and watched as she clicked past the ad to play the song. She couldn’t help but sway to the beat. (I have to say that the best thing about tutoring is introducing students to the things in life you love.)

She finished listening and took off the earphones thoughtfully. “So who’s the song about, if not him?” she asked eventually.

“Who do you think?”

It took her a moment for the lightbulb to go off. “The song is about her,” she said at last. “It’s about how much she can see through him after having been with him.”

“Exactly,” I grinned. “Good song, right?”

“Good song,” she agreed.

“Do you see how it relates to how you’ve begun listening to your lab partner?”

I could see her reach for it. “I can see past her words into what she’s really saying,” she finally managed.

“And what is she really saying?”

She thought about it, and finally offered, “I think that she’s really lonely, and thinks that only way she can find happiness is to find the right guy.”

“And why does she keep talking to you about guys, even though you’re obviously not interested?”

“Maybe she is lonely, and could use a friend.”

“Maybe,” I agreed. “So what’s your next step?”

“I hate it when you ask questions like that,” she grumbled. “You make it seem like the whole thing is my fault.”

“What thing is your fault?”

“The fact that I can’t stand listening to her,” she nearly shouted.

“Nothing that you can’t control, or influence, is ever your fault,” I suggested.

Her eyes narrowed. “Are you suggesting that I have influence?”

“I don’t know. According to your own words, she seems to be reaching out. You can decide if you want to be her friend.”

“And what if I don’t want to be her friend?”

“Your choice,” I shrugged. “Carly probably didn’t retain much of a friendship with the guy she wrote the song about; and having met him, she probably knew better how to deal with people like him.”

“By mocking them?”

“You’re being too literal. I am simply suggesting that nothing is ever either/or. You can be your lab partner’s friend one moment, and want to drop her from your life the next. It will always be your choice.”

“I don’t have a choice. She’s my lab partner for the rest of the year,” she exclaimed.

“Are you sure you don’t have a choice? Are you suggesting that life is black and white? Don’t you always have a choice to find the grey in between? I suggest that you reflect on how your words reflect your own worldview. Perhaps you need to redefine what it means to be a friend. Do your really have to love everything your friends say? Is friendship something others give to you, or is it something you give to them?”

She was angry. I could tell. For a moment, I thought that I’d lost her forever. It took a longtime, but she eventually asked, “Did Carly ever figure it out?”

“Let’s listen to another of her songs, and you tell me.” I pulled out my iPad and found the song I wanted: I Haven’t Got Time for the Pain. I pulled the ear phones out and raised the sound as loud as I could. We skipped though the ad, and just before the song came on I warned her again, “Remember to listen to the words.”

We danced to the song together. She asked to listen again, so she could really listen to the words. I would have let her listen to it forever, so long as we kept dancing.

“So maybe I should just introduce my new friend to Carly Simon,” she called out during the fifth time we’d replayed it. She was twirling around as she shouted.

“I don’t know,” I called back. “Do you think it would help?”

“I think that it will help me to shut her up about her last boyfriend, but she will never want to be serious about science,” she said with a final twirl. She fell into a chair, exhausted. “But I do agree reflection will help me enjoy her company more.”

“How so?” I asked suddenly seriously, falling into a chair of my own.

“She’s teaching me what I can’t teach myself,” she said without a thought.

“What’s that?”

“That I have haven’t got time for the pain, although my lab partner seem to thrive on it. Maybe if I introduce her to Carly, we’d have something more than boys to talk about while I do all the work.”

“So that’s it.”

“What’s it?”

“You’re mad because you think you do all the work, while she just grumbles at you.”

“Where did you get that?”

“It was reflected in your words.” I let that sink in before adding, “Are you sure she doesn’t do any of the work?”

“She does what I ask her, but nothing more.”

“Then maybe you should ask more of her.”

She glowered at me, “I hate you sometimes.”

“I know.”

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