Navigating a Whackadoodle World: Episode 71, The Power of Indirect Effort, or The healing power of empathy.
A Whackadoodle lesson comparing sympathy to empathy, along with a short but powerful video entitled, 'Why I Talk to White Supremacists."
“No, no, no, no, no” I shook my head rather violently. “When I ask you to practice empathy, I’m not asking you to become someone’s good friend and supporter. You don’t have to agree with people in order to show them empathy. Heck, you don’t even have to like someone in order to empathize with them. Empathy has nothing to do do with agreeing, or even liking. You’re confusing empathy with sympathy.”
“Huh?”
I took a deep breath to steady myself before explaining, “Sympathy is when we share a feeling with someone. We are able to sympathize with them because we share the feeling. I can understand what you’re feeling because I’ve felt the same. That guy ticks you off? Well, he ticks me off too. Now, lets talk about what a jerk he is. My feelings about him are similar to yours. Think about it. Similar. Sympathy. Heck, the words even sound alike.”
“So how’s that different from empathy?”
“Empathy is about understanding what and why someone feels or believes what they do regardless of whether you agree with them or not.”
“And that’s important because?”
I found it a little hard to believe that she had to ask. “Why is empathy important? Because it helps me know how to approach people. It helps me to understand the world. It helps me be more forgiving. It stops me from getting angry. It even guides me in my choices, so that I can make clear decisions based on understanding instead of reckless choices base on my emotions and biases. That’s why empathy is important.”
“Okay, okay,” she raised her hands in surrender. “I glad for you that you know how to empathize with a white supremacist, but I don’t have it in me. I’m the type who ‘calls ‘em like I see ‘em,’ and when I see a bigot, I’m gonna call ‘em a bigot.”
“Well, good for you,” I could hear my voice dripping with sarcasm. “I hope your attitude makes you feel better because it sure would prove the bigot right.”
“What do you mean?” she sounded insulted.
“Well, if you put your head into the life of that aforementioned ‘bigot,’ you’d know that calling him a ‘bigot’ was the very reaction he was expecting. Your action would only prove to him that he’s right about people like you.”
“What do you mean, people like me?”
“People who react defensively instead of empathically. People who feel they have the right to judge and label people, especially white supremacists.”
“What? So you would just accept white supremacists as they are and let them behave like jerks around you?”
“No, I would not accept anyone acting like a jerk around me. I would set boundaries. I would make my expectations clear, but I would also attempt to empathize with why that person acts and believes as he or she does.”
“But why bother? I mean some people are just a lost cause.”
“That’s what a cynic would say,” I countered. “I believe we talked about cynics last week. Do you even remember the summary you wrote?”
That caught her off guard, and she thought back, “It said that cynicism is a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. We end up living in a world where people don’t care because we’ve stopped carrying about people, so they have no reason to care about us, or something like that.”
“Nicely put,” I attempted a smile.
“Okay, so empathy’s a good thing. I’m just not good at it.”
“And I’m a terrible piano player, but I always figured that’s my fault because, despite my many lessons, I never took the time to practice.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You think I need to practice empathy?”
For answer, I decided on a story. “You remember Jamil Zaki, the psychologist from last week’s lesson? The one with the Ted Talk on Cynicism that your teacher asked you to summaries?”
“Yeah,” she said cautiously.
“Well, he’s got more than one Ted Talk; I was curious, so I watch some of them. There’s a particularly good one on Empathy where he spends a great deal of time dispelling the myth that empathy is some sort of inborn trait that you either have or don’t have, but instead it’s a skill that we can and should practice. He actually tells this pretty funny story about a study that he did to disprove the idea that women are naturally more empathic than men. In the study, he gave typical empathy tests to both genders. When he just gave empathy tests the normal way, women did score better; but when he offered incentives for performing well, the men suddenly did just as well, if not better, than the women.”
“Because of incentives?”
“Yes, because they had an incentive to do so, they became more empathetic. Suggesting that all it takes to become more empathetic is the desire to do so. That being said, it does indeed require patience, practice, and intent.”
“Hum,” she let that sink in. “So how do you practice?”
I considered her question. I mean it seemed so obvious to me. Whenever someone says something that brings out a strong negative reaction in me, instead of acting impulsively, I try to slow down and identify why I have got such a gut reaction. What’s the cause. Then I try to consider why that person would say such a thing. What makes them think a behavior that makes me react so negatively is acceptable? But how could I explain this concept to her in a way she could accept? I decided that my best explanation might need a practice example. “Do you remember that video I had you watch a few months back? It was called Melt Down in Dixy.”
I could literally see her struggling to remember, so I added, “It was about that ice cream parlor owner, and the fight over whether or not he could take down the confederate flag that was driving away business. Remember?”
“I think so,” she conceded. “I remember there was a huge fight, and he ended up having to close down and move.”
“And do you remember one of the protesters? He was an older guy, and in one of the interviews he said, and I’m paraphrasing because it’s been so long since I’ve seen it myself, but he said something like, ‘I’m not prejudice. I got no problem with black people so long as they stay in their place.’ Do you remember that?”
“Yeah,” she nodded thoughtfully. “I remember we talked about him at the time. You said it was a great example of,” she paused for a moment, her face all scrunched up. “I forget,” was her conclusion.
“Hah,” I laughed. “Well, in this case he’s a great example of someone who could use your empathy.”
“Why should I waste my time empathizing with someone like him?”
“Because it’s good practice, so try it.” She stared at me blankly. “Go on,” I insisted. “Try it. Use all of your empathic skills to understand why this man thinks that black people are fine, so long as they ‘know and stay in their place.’ What kind of world did this this man grow up in? What kinds of people and institutions continue to reinforce his beliefs? How can he say such a thing without realizing that his statement is the very epitome of racism? And why does he think people have their ‘proper place’ anyway. Why does he feel threated and angry when they don’t want to stay there?”
She was silent and thoughtful, so I continued in a softer tone, using my questions to encourage her thoughts. “Is he someone to ignore? Someone to throw stones at? Someone to be shouted at? Should he be ridiculed and laughed at? Or is he someone to be pitied because his world is so small? Is he someone you could reach out to? Is there some way you could broaden his world?” I paused before adding, “Would it be worth your time to even try?”
“I doubt it,” she mumbled.
“Have you ever heard of an organization called ‘Life after Hate’?”
“No.”
“It’s an organization founded by former white supremacist—people who used to believe that the white race was superior to to all the other races, and were willing to use violence to enforce those beliefs on others. Their mission statements says ‘As a leader in the violence intervention community, we are committed to helping people break free from lives of violent hate and extremism, to connect with humanity, and lead compassionate lives.’”
“So they work with people like this guy?”
“Yes, people like this guy and worse. They’re a very effective organization, growing all the time.” I pulled out my iPhone, and found their website. “Here,” I said, passing her the phone. “Check out one of their videos.”
She passed back my phone, and I pulled up another video. “Here’s a Ted Talk with one of the co-founders of Life after Hate,” I told her. “It’s even better; it really demonstrates the impact empathy and compassion can have. I think it might get my point across faster than I can.”
“Did I get my point across?” I asked when she was through watching.
“I think so,” she nodded, but I could see that she was still struggling with something. “But what if someone’s got you so angry or worried that it’s hard to be empathetic?”
“Someone in particular? Someone you know?”
“Yes,” she admitted softly.
“I guess that’s when you practice empathy and compassion with yourself,” I tried to smile. “Look,” I shoved my phone back into my pocket. “Nothing is the answer to everything. Empathy doesn’t always work. Some people are so isolated in their worlds, surrounded by people who reinforce their beliefs, that they never question why they believe what they do. They don’t want your empathy. They’re as happy as they can be living small lives. But I do know this, it’s never a bad idea to practice empathy if you can. At the very least, trying to understand why some people acts as they do can help you to heal yourself.”
“Point taken,” she attempted a smile back. Our session ended not long after that. After she left, I thought back to the video that had started out discussion on empathy, and looked it up to include here.
Yes, our world needs a lot of empathy now. May your lives be filled with it.