Navigating a Whackadoodle World: Episode 67, The Power of Attraction, or Why we instantly bond with some people while others seem born to irritate us.
A Whackadoodle lesson about the principle of liking, a personality test advertisement, and why in order to attract more, we must become more.
She didn’t even bother to wait for me to move out of her way, but handed me the paper as soon as I opened the door. “Here you go,” she said with a brighter smile than I had seen on her in a while.
“What’s this?” I asked looking down at the paper. It looked something like this:
“It’s for your Substack website.” She was watching my face anxiously. “I remember you mentioning that you wanted to try out a few ads to see if you could get more traffic. Well, you haven’t done anything about it yet, so I made this graphic to,” she paused to see how I would take it, “kind of kick you in the butt.”
“Oh, well, thanks,” I looked over the ad somewhat embarrassed. She’d done a pretty nice job with it.
“Do you think it will make people curious about your site?” she asked, craning to see over my hand.
“It might at that,” I admitted and moved aside to let her into the hall. She continued talking over her shoulder as she headed to our tutoring table.
“I was thinking that your article on the four personality types would be a good introduction because it doesn’t just tell people what type they are, it tells them how the different types relate. Plus, it might be fun for people to try the test on themselves.” She dumped her book bag on the table and settled herself for a session, talking the entire time. “I was looking over guidepost ten when the idea stuck me.”
“And so you stopped your study to donate your time to me,” I said, moving to my place across from her.
“Do you like it?”
“I love it. And I love even more that you thought of me.”
“Good,” she nodded, suddenly satisfied. “I only hope it helps. Anyway,” she waived her hands to dismiss the topic. “About guidepost ten. Something’s been bothering me.”
“What?”
“Well, I get the whole part about the principle of liking. How we are attracted to people who like us, to people who are like us, and to people who like what we like. I even found this great YouTube video about the principle of liking with that Professor Cialdini you like so much.” She got out her iPhone to show me.
“I’ve seen that video before,” I said to encourage her. “It’s short but sweet. So, what’s got you bothered by it?”
“Well,” she struggled for the words. “Okay, so we’re attracted to those who are like us, but isn’t it kind of wrong to change your behavior just to get people to like you. Isn’t it kind of manipulative?”
I looked at her critically. “You’re concerned that it’s manipulative to go into a negotiation knowing that because of the principle of liking, our chances of reaching an agreement increases nearly thirty percent if we all know a little bit about each other? If we all know that we a have a few things in common? If we share genuine complements and find genuine commonalities?”
“Well, when you put it that way,” she paused uncertain.
“Look, all the guidelines are amoral. They can be used to manipulate, or they can be used to persuade. The choice is yours.”
“Hang on,” she said reaching for a book. “Didn’t you go into the difference between manipulation and persuasion in your first book?” She began flipping through the dogeared pages. “Yeah, I thought so,” and began to read:
Before we begin to discuss the tools of persuasion, I want to remind you that persuasion without integrity is just a fancy name for manipulation.
In case you’re still not clear on the difference.
Manipulation includes guilting people into feeling responsible for your success and happiness, pushing people do something that they obviously don’t want to do, telling lies or pretending to be what you’re not in order to get your way, and making people feel inadequate unless they see the world the way you do.
Manipulators use the emotions of people against them, destroying trust in the process. People use manipulation because they have nothing better to sell. What manipulators offer the river is not worthwhile, or they wouldn’t need manipulation to offer it. Manipulation makes the river unnavigable and sinks every boat it hits.
Persuasion, in contrast, merely attempts to show people that they’re responsible for their own success and happiness. Persuasion tries to help people find the courage to do what they need to do, to see the consequences of their actions, and to choose their actions wisely. People use persuasion because it helps them to present what they have to offer in terms easiest for others to digest.
Persuasion simply helps you to get a fair hearing from an otherwise, overly emotional human being. In persuasion, whether or not people choose to digest what you have to offer them, remains their choice. You must never deny people their right to choose for themselves. Your success in influencing another will ultimately depend upon how much they value your offering. The more you offer them, the more they will value you. Keep that rule in mind as you attempt persuasion along the river.
Source: A River Worth Riding: Fourteen Rules for Navigating Life, Lynn Marie Sager, Aventine Press, 2005
”Hum,” she paused after her reading. “I suppose it doesn’t hurt to know that pointing out what you have in common with someone can increase the likelihood of them actually listening to you. Still, getting to know someone better just to have more influence over them seems kind of two faced.”
“Is that the only reason you’re getting to know someone?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, does it necessarily follow that the only reason you’re getting to know someone is to gain influence over them? Perhaps you genuinely want to get to know that person? Or perhaps you just enjoy being polite? Of course, some people think being polite is the same as being manipulative.” I snickered remembering, “I know this one guy who won’t use the word please. He says it feels too much like begging. It’s funny; he barks out orders like he was talking to his dog, but he never forgets to say thank you.”
“What’s your point?”
“My point is that the behavior doesn’t have to be manipulative. It can come from a sincere desire to get to know people because you understand how relationships work, and how life is made more enjoyable when people actually get along and learn to work together to solve problems.”
“I suppose so,” she conceded.
“You’re also missing the most important aspect of guidepost ten.”
“How so?” she looked up confused.
“Guidepost ten is not the ‘principle of liking.’ It’s the ‘Power of Attraction.’ It attempts to explain why we attract some things while repelling others. It’s only incidental that it also provides tools that help you get along with others. Besides those tools don’t have to be manipulative.” She looked skeptical, so I added. “Consider that everyone, and I mean everyone, has someone in their lives that they must work with who totally irritates them. Well, according to the principle of liking, relationships can be improved by finding a commonality, something both parties enjoy or care about. They may never become best friends, but they can grow to put up with each just a little bit more. Isn’t that a good thing to know? Isn’t it something you might one day try?”
“I guess,” she conceded.
“Plus,” I sat forward and laid my hands on the table. “You’ve ignored the most important aspect of guidepost ten.”
“Which is?” She was sounding defensive.
“Right there in that book of yours,” I nodded to the book she’d read from earlier. “Chapter ten, start reading from the beginning and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
She thumbed through the book until she found it:
I came upon a girl whose boat had gone aground. She was waiting for someone to come along and dig her out. I suggested that she remove a few items from her load, so that her boat would ride higher in the water and float. But she kept arguing that each item was necessary.
“Do you want to move on?” I asked.
“I have to move on, I can’t stand it here,” she said.
“Okay. Maybe if we both push together, we could get your boat out far enough for the currents to take you.”
“Look at all the mud. Poisonous snakes hide in mud. Besides, I don’t want my feet to get dirty.”
“Well, I saw a wharf up the river a few miles. Perhaps you could walk there and hire another boat.”
“Where will I find the money to hire a boat?”
“I saw a help-wanted sign at the dock.”
“I don’t know how to work on a dock. Besides, I can’t leave my belongings. Someone might steal them.”
“So are you going to stay here and do nothing?”
“What else can I do? I’ve tried everything.”
Eventually, I got bored and left her sitting there, waiting for someone willing to take on her load. Her last words as I pulled away were, “Where are you going? I need your help. Why can’t I find someone to help me?”
The truth is that only a complainer can stand a complainer for long. Birds of a feather flock together. So if you want to attract problem-solvers, you’ll need to learn how to problem-solve.
The power of attractions states that your thoughts and behavior inevitably attract people and events in harmony with them. In other words, if you want to attract successful people, you’ll have to become the type of person with whom successful people like to talk. Successful people like to spend time with successful people. They like people who view life the same way that they do and who approach problems with the same ingenuity that they have.
You will never attract those who have mastered the river, unless you are ready to master the river. You will never attract a good relationship, if you don’t know how to maintain a good relationship. You will never be able to attract growth, unless you learn to encourage growth. And you will never be able to attract more, unless you learn to become more.
Attraction says that we attract what we are.
Source: A River Worth Riding: Fourteen Rules for Navigating Life, Lynn Marie Sager, Aventine Press, 2005
“Alright, stop,” I called out. “What do you think?”
“I think it’s kind of depressing.”
“In what way depressing?”
“It’s like we have to make all these changes to please other people. Why can’t we just be ourselves?”
“Oh honey, you’re getting it all backwards. It’s not meant to be depressing. It’s meant to be encouraging, hopeful, exciting. It’s meant to give you a place to start.”
“Start what?”
“Growing! Because humans are designed to grow, to learn, to change. And once you begin to move in a new direction and take action in the world, you will begin to attract new friends—friends who are attracted to your new thoughts. Guidepost ten is just there to help you understand how that growth will influence both your relationships and your opportunities.” I looked at her uncertain face. “Am I making any sense?”
“I guess so,” she said eventually. “I’m just not sure how I feel about it.”
I could feel my heart reaching out to her. “That’s one thing about the guideposts. They don’t care if you like them or not. They’re just there to to help you steer through life.”
“You’re really weird, you know that?”
“And what does that say about you my friend,” I grinned. “That you’re so attracted to my weirdo teaching style that you keep coming back for more?”
She made no response, but I saw a small smirk cross her lips as she reached for her books.