Navigating a Whackadoodle World: Episode 26, or What to do when the people you are learning to listen to, still don’t know how to listen to you?”
A Whackadoodle discussion on the Power of Communication and Understanding, as well as it's limitations.
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“What do you do when the people that you are learning to listen to, still don’t know how to listen to you?” she asked one week.
“Tricky question,” I replied. “Did they start the conversation, or did you?”
She paused, thinking back. “I think I did,” she admitted.
“Was the person open at the time?”
“You mean like was his body language open?”
“Yeah, I mean like was his body language open. I mean like was his body language green, yellow, or red? First step in effective communication is to notice body language.”
“He was sitting on the couch watching a show.”
“So was it a good time to start a conversation if you wanted him to listen to you?”
“Probably not,” she admitted. “But he’s never open,” she rushed on. “He never wants to listen to me. In fact, he never asks me anything. He just assumes.”
“Then you’ve already heard his answer.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean what you just said, ‘He’s never open. He never wants to listen to me. In fact, he never asks me anything. He just assumes.’ Just because words don’t come out of someone’s mouth doesn’t mean they aren’t communicating.”
“Okay fine, he doesn’t really like to talk. So, how do I get him want to talk with me?”
“Is this a battle you really want to fight?” She stared me wordless, so I added. “Making people want to talk with you, let alone listen to you is not something I can help you with. I can only teach you the best way to listen to them, and remind you that you can’t change others unless they see the need to change. I’m sorry that what you hear people say is not always to your liking.”
“So I need to get him to see a need to change?”
“I guess that’d be one way to handle it.” I had to close my eyes before I could continue. “But I ask again, is this a battle worth fighting for? Why do you need him to change? Changing a human is not an easy one-day task. Yes, there is persuasion and influence; but neither of them work in one day, and they often require that you to change first.”
“How change?”
“Changing the way you listen. Changing the way you approach people. Learning to ask questions rather than making statements. Knowing how to read a person. Knowing if they respond best to humor, family discussions, logic, or whatever.”
She sat for a long time, thinking. “I guess that I don’t need to change him,” she finally concluded. “I suppose that I just have to accept him as he is.”
“Not accept him as he is,” I assured her. “Listen to him better. Understand him better. For that matter, listen to yourself and understand yourself better. You might both have something to teach each other.”
Throoughout my career I had always been expected to use my initiative to get the joob doene. The boss always told me what he wanted to acomplish and leave it up to me to get the job done. I would have a monthly meeting with the boss to discuss what I had accomplished and what i planned to do. If my boss thought I was off base we would talk about it and make corrections. I
Wheb I joined the staff oof the Hawaii State Forester I tried to work with him the sme way. When I got a letter of repremand saying, "I don't work for you. You work for me and you will will only do what I tell youto do." I didn't react well and my effort to talk with the boss failed.. If I had read him better we could have had a better relationship.