Navigating a Whackadoodle World: Episode 27, or I never said that influence is the same as persuasion.
A Whackadoodle discussion in which my student finally wants to know the difference between influence and persuasion.
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“I’ve been thinking about something you said last week,” she said, packing up her books at the end of our lesson.
“I hope it was something brilliant,” I tossed back.
She sent me one of her glares, then broke into a quiet smirked. “I remember how you said that just because words don’t come out of someone’s mouth, it doesn’t mean they aren’t communicating.”
“Sounds like something I might have said.”
“I’ve been thinking that maybe people are so busy talking, they never listen to what body language, actions, and motives are saying.”
I nodded thoughtfully, then countered, “Unless they have pets. Pets force people to notice body language. Maybe even actions and motivations.”
“Can’t you ever be serious?”
“Probably not.”
She shook her head, sighing a lot like I do when students are struggling to find a word. She finished closing her backpack and sat back in her chair with a “humph.” She locked eyes with me and said, “I have been thinking it’s the same with influence.”
“How so?”
“Well,” she bit her lip, frowning. “It seems to me that people also don’t notice how much they get influenced each day. I mean like, if they don’t listen to body language, which is something like seventy percent of how people communicate; they probably also don’t notice how often they get influenced, persuaded. You know, distracted.”
“Interesting thesis,” I was suddenly intrigued. “Can you provide evidence?”
“I don’t know if it’s evidence, but it’s stuff I’ve seen.”
“Tell me what you’ve seen.”
“I’ve seen a whole lot of damaged people out there. Did you know that Elon Musk was beaten up as a kid? After some kids at school sent him to the hospital, his father supposedly made Elon stand for over an hour while he called Elon a wimp because he didn’t defend himself well enough. He might be a billionaire, but he was certainly damaged as a kid. And then there’s defendant PO1135809; you can’t tell me he wasn’t damaged by his family. I mean if the people in your family let you get away with everything and never hold you accountable, isn’t that a form of damage?”
“Damaged people passing along their damage to us?” I echoed to clarify.
“And isn’t damaging people a form of influencing them,” she rushed on. “I mean, you always talk about influence as something we can do. Nine steps used in proper order, but aren’t there other ways we influence?”
“You’re completely right. There are many ways we influence. My nine steps are about a sales process that works. Life isn’t all about sales.”
“I wish it was,” she told me. “Sales would be easier than living.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nine steps, easy. I get them. I’m still not quite sure that I get why people are so easily influenced.”
“I suppose it had something to do with our DNA,” I suggested. “Children grow up influenced by their parents, their schools, their faith, their communities. It’s one of the ways we survive. Critical thinking, on the other hand, needs to be taught.”
“But why doesn’t critical thinking come naturally?”
I thought long and hard before answering. “I suppose it might be because questions are the key to critical thinking, and some people are taught not to question. They’re taught to ‘do as I say’ and to ‘live by faith.’ When people hear something often enough, they come to believe it, especially if they hear it from people they respect like their parents. Sometime people even get punished when they try to question. Yelled at, ridiculed, threatened, hit; so they learn to never question where their information comes from.”
“The answer can’t be that easy,” she insisted.
“Nothing is ever that easy,” I agreed. “And yes, there are many ways we are influenced. Threats influence us. Strikes influence us. Protests influence us. Fears influence us. Wars influence us. Catastrophes influence us. You know what else influences?”
“What?” She was picking at the cords on her backpack.
“Story, art, writing, humor, laughter, friendship, dance, music, words, experience, and sometimes having the truth just smack us across the head.” I listed off the top of my head. “Like I said, a lot of things influence. But I never said that influence is the same as persuasion.”
“What do you mean they are not the same thing? You put them in the same rule!”
“They are both different words,” I reminded her. “Do you think I would have used two different words if they both meant the same thing?”
Her brows came together in confusion. “I suppose not,” she admitted. “But then what’s the difference?”
“Influence, as you have so kindly pointed out, comes in many different forms. Often, we are not even aware of how we are influenced. Persuasion, on the other hand, is a strategic attempt by one human to influence the mind of another.”
I watched her ponder that thought for a while. Eventually she concluded, “So that’s why you spend so much time writing about your Nine Steps, the Socratic Method, and Dr. Cialdini’s studies on persuasion. It’s because you like to focus your attention on what you can influence rather than wasting your time on what you can’t influence.”
“If you are suggesting that I prefer to focus on what I can do rather than what I can’t do, I believe you might be right.”