A Whackadoodle Excerpt: Twelve Provisions That Will Feed a Starving Relationship.
Our relationships are more valuable than all of our other assets combined, yet they are also the assets that we tend to take-for-granted the most...
The following is an excerpt from Chapter Nine, The Power of Entropy, in Lynn Marie Sager’s A River Worth Riding: Fourteen Rules for Navigating Life.
Our relationships are more valuable than all of our other assets combined, yet they are also the assets that we tend to take-for-granted the most.
Employers expect their employees to be loyal, without bothering to ask what makes people loyal. Couples neglect their mates’ needs, yet expect their mates’ love to remain the same. People often hurt those closest to them and don’t even notice until it’s too late. The seeds of entropy are already causing their relationships to fade before they even realize there’s a problem.
Like it or not, relationships are affected by entropy.
People don’t magically fall in love and then stay in love. People stay in love because they constantly reinvest energy and loving actions into their relationships. You need to keep an eye out for the signs of entropy in your relationships, or you will wake up someday alone.
What are the signs of entropy in relationships?
Anger, disinterest, boredom, uncertainty, frustration, misunderstandings, nervous tension, miscommunication, shifting priorities, gossip, unclear expectations, annoyance, confusion, assumptions and fighting. If your relationships are filled by any of these, then you can be sure that your relationships are falling apart.
The price of ignoring entropy is high. Did you know that the number one reason couples give for divorce is feeling “taken-for-granted”? And what about everyone complaining that they’re not understood? What about all the employees who believe their companies are taking advantage of them? What about all those companies who waste a fortune on employee turn-over?
All that complaining costs time, money and happiness.
The only thing that fights entropy is growth. Learn how to keep your relationships growing. Keep an eye out for entropy and constantly reinvest in your crew. If you do, you’ll discover that your crew can appreciate in value faster than all of your other assets combined.
Twelve provisions that will feed a starving crew.
1. Time
Time is the most precious gift that you can give your crew. Yet, how often do we treat our crewmates as if they were interruptions to our day? Managers make a huge mistake when they spend all their time behind their desks, rather than talking with their staff and customers. Parents also make a huge mistake when they forget to play with their children. Husbands and wives make a huge mistake when they don’t carve out quiet moments to share together.
You need to invest the majority of your time on the relationships that matter to you. When you spend time on your crew, your crew learns the value of spending time on you.
2. Listening
Listening teaches your crew wisdom. People need to speak their minds without interruption. People need to bounce their thoughts off others without judgement, so that they can hear themselves accurately. Whenever you listen closely to another human being—without interrupting, advising, judging, or planning your reply—you validate that human being. Nothing raises a crew’s spirit so much as having the captain that they admire listen to them and validate their thoughts.
3. Understanding
Understanding your crew makes motivating them possible. When you don’t understand what makes your crew tick, you sometimes do favors for them that aren’t favors to them; and then you wonder why your crew seems so ungrateful.
Have you ever had a friend who “favored” you with a party invitation, and you went to the party as a “favor” to them? Have you ever had someone “favor” you with help, and you did them the “favor” of accepting their help graciously? Have you ever had someone “favor” you with their advice, and you did them the “favor” of listening to their advice?
Be sure to check in with your crew occasionally to make sure that your favors are actually being received as favors. Make a habit of saying, “Before I tell you what I want, let me hear what you want.” “Before I tell you what I think, I need to understand what you think.” “Before I tell you how I feel, I’d like to discover how you feel.” When you assume that you understand your crew without bothering to ask what they think, you inevitably cast them adrift.
And be careful with how you define understanding. Don’t confuse understanding, with passing judgment. Like the time one of my students told me how well she understood her ex-husband.
“Oh, I understand him alright,” she assured me; and to prove herself right, she began to rattle off a list of his sins. “He’s egotistical, selfish, uneducated, uncaring, immature, irresponsible and lazy.”
“If you were to say those things to his face,” I asked, “Do you think that he would feel understood?”
“Probably not.”
I paused for a moment, then I found myself muttering, “You have an interesting definition of understanding.”
If your crew doesn’t feel understood; then trust me, by definition you don’t understand them. And if you fail to understand your crew, you’ll soon be sailing a ghost ship.
4. Integrity (Yours)
Integrity determines the crew’s respect for their captain. Integrity is the state of being complete, or whole. Integrity says, “I am who I am, no matter where I am, or who I am with.” A person of integrity doesn’t say one thing to your face and then say something else behind your back. They don’t gossip. They don’t decide how to act based upon how they are treated. They can be counted upon to do what is right regardless of convenience, or popular demand. They treat all people fairly and equally.
When you deal with a person of integrity, you always know where you stand. People with integrity gain trust, and trust is the primary ingredient of a healthy, growing relationship. If you lack integrity, then your relations are already falling apart, and the people around you don’t trust you enough to tell you.
5. Clear Expectations
Clear expectations is the key to smooth sailing. Anxious for love, people often get married without a clear understanding of how both parties define marriage. Couples don’t clarify what they both mean by husband, or discuss what they both mean by wife. They never define the roles that they expect each other to fill, and then they complain when their partners let them down.
Desperate for employment, people often take jobs without a clear job description, then they get frustrated because their responsibilities keep growing while their compensation keeps shrinking. But whose fault is that, if not the person who took the job without clarifying what the job entailed and how their compensation would be granted?
Without clear expectations, we often think that we are giving people what they want, yet we’re actually damaging the relationship. You can’t give people what they want unless you first understanding what they want, so make a habit of clarifying expectations—yours and theirs—before you get involved with people. Otherwise, you might accidentally attach yourself to the wrong ship.
6. Boundaries
Boundaries maintain a well-run boat. Boundaries are similar to expectations; however with boundaries, you actually clarify your definition of acceptable behavior as well as the consequences of disregarding your boundaries. Without consequences, people never learn boundaries. Without boundaries, people never become mature, self-reliant adults.
Here is a technique for setting boundaries called, “three strikes, you’re out.” The first time that someone crosses your boundary, you tell that person what your boundary is and ask them to not cross it again. The second time they cross your boundary, you remind them of your request and tell them the consequences of crossing your boundary one more time. The third time they cross your boundary, you follow through with your consequences.
"Three strikes" goes like this:
Someone swears at you.
You say, “Please don’t swear at me.”
They swear at you again.
You say, “Please don’t swear at me, or I will leave.”
They swear at you a third time.
You say, “Good bye.”
Three strikes, they’re out. You leave, and you do not come back until they have made amends. If they don’t like your rules, then they don’t have to play with you.
Now, be careful with your boundaries. Remember that your boundaries must never be malicious. Also, you must never set a boundary for someone else that you don’t actually keep for yourself. In other words, don’t shriek “stop yelling” at your screaming kids and expect them to take you seriously. Most importantly, you must never let your consequences become empty threats.
What’s an empty threat? Well, do you remember the last time some kid started screaming in the middle of a store, and although the parents kept threatening to take the kid outside, they never actually took the kid outside?
You were probably less annoyed by the kid than you were by the parents because the parents were creating threats, not consequences.
A threat is when you tell someone that you’re going to do something, and then you don’t follow through. Whenever you threaten but don’t follow through, you’re basically saying, “Don’t believe me when I tell you something.” People stop listening when they don’t believe you; so never threaten a consequence that you don’t intend to carry out, or your words will be treated like jokes instead of boundaries.
By the way, consequences can also be rewards. You ask someone to do something, and then you explain the consequences of doing it. After they do it, they reap the reward. Some people call that bribery. I call it teaching people the value of free commerce and trade. What did you think a paycheck was anyway? A bribe, or the reward you get for working all week?
Once you learn to set clear and consistent boundaries for yourself and others, you’ll be rewarded with a self-disciplined crew.
7. Kindness
Kindness keeps your crew happy. Don’t forget to help people with their packages. Don’t forget to tell your kids that you love them. Don’t forget to thank people for the little things that they do everyday to make your life worthwhile.
Most of all, don’t forget to say please. Remember that everyone, even your spouse, has the right to not help you, so don’t turn the word “please” into an assumption that people must help you. When you do, you cheapen the word’s power. And whenever people do help you, remember to thank them with all your heart. They didn’t have to help you, but they did.
Kindness is so simple that we often forget how much it means. Yet those small moments of kindness are the very moments that keep your crew warm at the end of the day.
8. Sensitivity
Sensitivity keeps your crew from boiling over. If people seem busy, don’t interrupt them. If people seem down, ask if they need to talk. If people are bubbling with excitement, be thrilled to celebrate with them. If people seem frustrated, help them to regain their focus.
You also need to be sensitive to your crewmembers’ personalities and learning styles. Remember Sanguines don’t care about details, while Melancholics nit-pick over details; Cholerics live for accomplishment, while Phlegmatics strive for stability.
As far as learning styles are concerned, it’s pointless to get mad at a kinetic crewmember for not remembering what you said. After all, kinetic people process information through touch, so their memories are in their hands.
Visual people think with images, so they process and remember what they see. Audio people think with sounds, so they process and remember what they hear. However, kinetic people think with touch, so they process and remember what they do. You need to consider how your various crewmembers learn, and adjust yourself to them; since getting mad at people for being themselves is just plain foolishness.
Often, we are most insensitive to the needs of the people closest to us. We stop looking at them closely because we see them everyday. We fail to notice how they are growing, and they fail to notice us in return. But if you learn to stay sensitive to what your crew is not telling you, you’ll be able to keep everyone onboard from blowing up.
9. Keeping Your Word
Keeping your word is the only thing you control. We tend to make promises at the drop of a hat, and then forget them even sooner. But if we don’t care enough about our word to keep our word, then believe me, the word gets around. We become known as liars, or flakes; until finally, even when we do mean our word, nobody believes us.
If you want your word to mean something, then you must learn to rarely make promises and to never make promises that you cannot keep. Of course, with the river being what it is, and because of circumstances beyond your control, you may be forced to break your word occasionally. But when that happens, ask to be released from your promise before you break it. Whenever you break a promise and apologize after the fact, you are actually saying, “I’m sorry that I broke my word, but something came up more important than my word.”
The excuse, “I’m sorry but…,” doesn’t hold water. Unless you take your own word seriously, you can’t expect anyone else to.
Broken promises destroy relationships.
10. Choice
Choice keeps your crew from mutiny. Let’s face it, people don’t like being told what to do. Why should they? I mean, if someone arbitrarily told you that your bedtime was eight o’clock, would you argue? If someone told you that you couldn’t drive anymore, would you be upset? If your boss walked into the office and suddenly announced that you had to take a pay cut, would you feel outrage? Well, if you don’t like it when you’re not involved in the decisions that affect your life, then how do you think everyone else feels?
Only a fool tells people to change, and then expects smooth sailing.
Unless people are actively involved in choosing their goals, they’ll have no commitment to those goals. Moreover, whenever you tell people to do things your way, for your reasons, you are missing a golden chance to bind your goals to theirs. We get the most out of people when our success equals their success. We get the most out of our relationships when we work together towards common goals. And you will never know what goals your crew has in common unless you ask your crew to get involved in the decision making process and set goals with you.
Only a tyrant arbitrarily sets goals for their crew and expects their crew to cheer.
If you have taken on the responsibility of making sure that everyone in your life is cleaning up after themselves, then you have not given yourself a MASTERed goal. You need to stop directing the lives of others, and learn to persuade, clarify and delegate instead.
Delegation does not mean giving people orders. Delegation does not mean expecting people to do things your way. Delegation is an aspect of persuasion that we will cover step-by-step in chapter thirteen. But I will share one fundamental principle now. The only healthy way to delegate a responsibility is to find someone who actually wants to assume the rewards of that responsibility. If you simply order your crew around, you will not create a worthwhile ride. If you continue to clean up after your crew, you won’t create a worthwhile ride either.
By the way, if your crew does not want to take the time to open up and create common goals with you, then take it as sign that entropy has already destroyed the relationship. They probably no longer trust you to support their goals. Should you want to rebuild that trust, you will need to reinvest a lot of time, understanding, integrity and kindness into that relationship.
11. Recognition
Recognition keeps your crew striving. We often forget to notice what people do right. In fact, we’re usually so busy pointing out our own faults that we don’t even notice what we do right. A captain’s job is much more than pointing out faults and problems. A good captain should try to catch his crew doing good and applaud them whenever possible. Without recognition, we lose our motivation.
Whenever people are expected to work without being shown how their work improves their journey, they soon tire of working. Therefore, your biggest job is to remind people that they are making a difference and to show them that difference whenever you can.
Nothing warms your heart quite so well as having someone that you admire point out something admirable in you. So make a point, every day, of pointing out the specific actions that you admire in people. Moreover, make your acknowledgements publicly whenever you can, so that your entire crew grows comfortable applauding each other; and be sure to spread your acknowledgments equally, so there’s plenty to go around and nobody feels left out.
Do this, and you will notice a lightening in the hearts of your crew.
Incidentally, the best acknowledgement that you can give people is to actually listen to their point of view.
12. Desire
Desire keeps your crew from entropy. Desire, when kept positive, can be a powerful motivational tool. Whenever we’re satisfied, we don’t move. After all, why move if we’re satisfied? In order to keep your crew growing, you need to show them that they are capable of being and having more. You must ask them about their dreams and help them to devise strategies for achieving their dreams. You must help them crave a better life, so that they will endeavor to live one.
So now you have twelve provisions guaranteed to make your crew thrive and grow:
Time, listening, understanding, integrity, clear expectations, boundaries, kindness, sensitivity, honored promises, choice, recognition and desire.
If you take the time to invest in your crew, your crew won’t be afraid to invest in you.
Before we leave the power of entropy, let’s discuss four things that can destroy a crew’s morale. If you want a mutiny in your life, by all means attempt the following:
1. Manipulating
Manipulating, or the art of using human nature against people, so that they’ll do something against their own self interest. Guilt trips are a form of manipulation. Playing on a person’s fear, shame, desire, or weakness is a form of manipulation. Blaming people for your unhappiness is a form of manipulation. Even threatening people with violence is a form of manipulation.
Manipulation often works, at first, because people will always be people and because our emotions often get the better of us. But here’s a word of warning; when you manipulate, you may get your way the first time, maybe even the second time. Nevertheless, be assured that when people catch on to you, and they will catch on to you, they will jump ship at the first safe port.
Manipulation leads to a lonely life.
2. Criticizing
Criticizing, is often confused with helping. Many people actually think that they are helping you whenever they point out your problems. Well, you’re probably already aware of your problems. Most people are. So why do people still fill the need to compulsively point out our problems?
When we criticize, we merely cause people to become defensive and excuse their actions. Think about how you react to the words, “Well, you know what your problem is…” and you will begin to understand the problem. You should realize that for each criticism that you cite in people, you need to give ten doses of sincere compliments, or the relationship will sour. Criticism is never the best way to improve people. Criticism makes people want to protect their perspective, and justify what they did. There are better ways to teach.
I remember a story that Dale Carnegie wrote about a pilot whose propeller engine had been inadvertently filled with jet fuel by someone on the flight crew. His engine stalled mid-flight. The pilot was able to land his passengers safely because of his deft flying, but the plane was destroyed in the process. When the pilot went to confront the crewman who had made the error, he had every right to complain and criticize, but he also knew a better way to lead. Although the crewman stood waiting in shame on the tarmac for the public lashing that he knew he deserved, the pilot didn’t waste his time restating the obvious and asking for excuses.
The pilot merely said, “I expect you to learn from your mistake and to fuel my plane correctly from now on.”
The crewman fought back tears, stood at attention and saluted.
Criticism will never build loyalty, the way pride can.
3. Belittling
Belittling, is what people do whenever they stick a label on you. Labels inevitably scuttle growth.
For example, have you ever had a manager label you as hopeless, or treat you like a simpleton in front of others? Or have you ever had a manager label you as their assistant, while managing to take credit for your skills? If so, do you remember the feeling of mutiny in your heart when it happened?
All labels, even positive ones, tend to create limits because all labels imply expectations; and all expectations bring with them the possibility of failure. Suppose, for example, that I’ve labeled you as my friend, so now I expect you to act like my friend; however, if one day you happen to disappoint my friendship, then I’ll share my disappointment with everyone. Or suppose that I’ve labeled you as my ideal mate, so now I expect you to act like my ideal mate; and if the day comes that you don’t live up to my ideal, I’ll quickly blame you for failing me.
Languages are comprised of labels, so it’s no wonder we feel a compulsive need to label everyone. People are either friend, or foe; employee, or boss; with you, or against you; above you, or below you. Unfortunately, labels represent ideals, and people don’t conform well to ideals. In fact, there’s really only one label that ever helps a crew to grow, and that’s the label of human.
So unless you want a mutiny in your life always give credit where credit is due and never label people as other than human. When you fail to appreciate the humanity of others, you lose their loyalty and their future hard work.
4. Discouraging personal growth
Discouraging personal growth, is what drowning people do to keep their crews from developing enough independence to leave them. Discouragement can sometime hold a crew; but consider this, unless your most valuable employees know that they can make captain eventually, they will sign on to another ship. Unless your children know that you’ll support all their choices, they may start pursuing some choices behind your back.
You can’t keep your crew from making bad choices. You can only help them to learn from every choice they make; therefore, support people’s choices. Encourage people to grow, or you will lose the best people you have.