Whackadoodle Fun: Can Thirty-Six Questions Create Empathy, Intimacy, and Even Spark Love?
A Whackadoodle discussion in which my student shares her secret plan for getting to know the cute guy in her class.
“I came across this social exercise online, which is totally cool,” she told me excitedly. “It claims to be able to Create Empathy, Intimacy, and Even Spark Love. The guy who wrote it calls it the Empathy Game.”
“I know about that game. It’s inspiration comes from a study done at the State University of New York, Stony Brook, by Professor Arthur Aron in 1997. (Click here to watch a video featuring Professor Aron, called The Science of Love.) His original study was called “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness. Now people just call it ‘The 36 Questions That Spark Love.’”
I think that somehow she was disappointed that I’d already heard of it. I think maybe she wanted to surprise me for a change. “So what do you know about it?” I asked her with as much encouragement as I could could muster.
“I know he did a pretty scientific study, with a control group and everything. He had volunteers pair up and just talk for forty-five minutes. Half of the pairs could talk about anything, while the other half were given a list of thirty-six questions that they needed to ask each other. Then at the end, they were asked to spend four uninterrupted minutes staring into each other's eyes.”
“Sounds uncomfortable.”
“But that’s the thing,” she said with excitement. “At the end of the sessions, the control groups usually said something like, ‘Nice to meet you,’ received their stipend, and headed out the door. But the ones who asked the questions reacted differently. Sometime they sat talking long after the session was over, reporting feelings of friendship and empathy. Lots of them exchanged information so they could meet again later. Some of them even dated!”
“Have you read the questions?”
“Yeah, I found them online,” she nodded. She took out her phone, and a few clicks later, she was proudly showing them to me. “They are in three sets of twelve, each set getting more personal:”
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
What do you value most in a friendship?
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."
Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
“Those are some pretty intimate questions to share with a stranger,” I said after glancing through them.
“Yeah, they’re supposed to be. That’s the point. The study hypothesized that,” she returned to her phone, and looked up a quote. “One key pattern associated with close relationships among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure. Allowing oneself to be vulnerable is exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.”
“You’re right. It is a pretty cool social experiment.”
She looked down, and said shyly, “I was thinking of bringing it up in class and asking the teacher if we could try it.”
“Did you have someone in mind that you’d like to try it with?”
“Well, there is this one really cute guy,” she let the sentence fall off.
I couldn’t help but remember what is was to be young and in my first year of college. “Sounds like another interesting social experiment. Be sure to let me know how it goes.”