Ten Whackadoodle Techniques for Handling Difficult People in the Workplace

An excerpt from my first book 'A River Worth Riding: Fourteen Rules for Navigating Life.'

Photo by Resume Genius on Unsplash

In response to my student’s request, I am posting this excerpt from my first book. (I think it will become clear why I now write in dialogue.) The excerpt is from the chapter on Attraction, and is based upon a lecture I used to give on the work of Dr. Robert Bramson, author of Coping with Difficult People. The lecture was part of a business leadership course, and focuses on workplace interactions.

It’s conclusion?

“The most important thing, while dealing with any of these types, is to not let them pull you off course. In other words, don’t let them pull you into inattentive, erupting, pessimistic, defensive, complaining, or passive aggressive behavior.”

A word about “Energy Drains.”

Before we move on to the next rule, I feel compelled to add a word about “poison” people. According to the research of Dr. Robert Bramson, author of Coping with Difficult People, most of the stress in our lives comes from extended interactions with negative and unhappy people.

Yes, at long last, it has been proven that certain people have the ability to make you tired, angry and frustrated if you have to spend any time with them at all. Moreover, Dr. Bramson has discovered that the same “ten behavioral types” keep showing up to drive you crazy.

You’ll need to know how to interact with these ten types effectively, so they’ll no longer have the power to destroy your day. Before I introduce you to the terrible-ten, let me put a few things in perspective.

First, realize that these “energy drains” are truly in the minority. Most people really are wonderful, and the “drains” are few and far between. So, focus your attention on the people in your life who bring you joy and avoid the drains as much as possible.

Second, realize that problem people “act” the way they do because their actions have always worked for them in the past. People throw tantrums because their associates get intimidated, embarrassed and give in to their tantrums. People throw tantrums because tantrums get them what they want.

Third, if you can make their “act” not work with you, they will stop using their “act” on you, and usually go “act-up” with someone else. You can’t change them, so don’t waste your energy trying to change them. However, you can change the nature of the relationship, so they become less draining and more effective with you.

Fourth, learn to spot and retrain “energy drains” quickly, before you allow them to drain your energy in any way.

Now that we’ve cleared up those points, let’s meet the drains and discover how to deal with them effectively.

Meet drain one, the RAMMER. Rammers try to get their way by ramming right through you, usually by insulting your efforts, invading your space and intimidating you with their expertise. Here’s how you handle Rammers:

1. Actually stand-up, so that you are in a position of power, but do not enter their personal space.

2. Rammers tend to be Choleric, so don’t waste their time. If you say, “I am sorry,” Rammers are likely to tell you that you should be sorry. Just tell them what you are going to do for them, and then pleasantly start doing it without waiting for their permission.

3. Don’t argue with them. You cannot win an argument with a Rammer. If they feel that you are insulting their opinions in any way, they will start to play dirty. Calmly state the facts as you see them, but do not try to get them to admit that they are wrong. You would be wasting your time and starting a fight.

4. If Rammers interrupt you, use their name to get their attention and politely point out that they interrupted you. If they keep interrupting you, keep pointing out the interruption. You can also use body language to build a symbolic wall between you and the interruptions. Raising your hand to signal stop can work surprisingly well.

5. Always use “I” phrases, not “You” phrases. In other words, you should say, “I need you to explain this carefully;” rather than, “you need to calm down.” Whenever you tell a Rammer what they need to do, they’ll give you a thousand reasons why they don’t need to do anything. “You” phrases tend to be fighting words. But if you start every sentence with “I” need, or “I” want, you won’t give the Rammer room for argument.

6. Finally, once the Rammer’s problem has been solved, be ready to be friendly. Rammers often end up liking you when they see you aren’t a pushover.

Now meet drain two, the ERUPTER. Erupters tend to become aggressive and throw tantrums whenever they feel threatened in anyway. Erupters explode whenever they’re afraid that people are making fun of them, whenever they think that they won’t get their way, or whenever they fear that people are not taking them seriously. Their tantrums are a version of the same tantrums that worked when they were kids, and they wanted their moms to buy them candy. Here’s how you handle Erupters:

1. As soon as Erupters blow, call a time-out immediately. If you are in a group, call for a ten minute break. If you are alone, calmly tell them that you’re going to the restroom and you will be back in five minutes, then leave them alone to cool-off.

2. Once they are calm, talk with them alone.

3. Start by assuring them that you take them seriously and that you want their opinion, but that you cannot help them if they shout, or interrupt.

4. Get them to realize you want to help them solve the situation. Ask them what they think should be done. Begin to use your people skills (eye-contact, smiling, nodding and questioning) along with your problem-solving skills (defining, brainstorming, analyzing and choosing) to create a mutual agreement and pick a beneficial course of action for you both.

5. Stay friendly. Erupters are like Rammers. They will tend to be very reasonable and nice once the explosion is over. They won’t even see the explosion as a problem.

Drain three, the WISECRACKER. Wisecrackers like to disguise their insults, judgements and anger behind quips and sarcasm. They like to pretend that they have a good sense of humor, but more often they are just rude, crude, petty, mean, and not at all funny. A Wisecracker’s comments can be very cutting and demoralizing, especially in groups, so you need to nip this viciousness behavior in the bud early. Here’s how you handle Wisecrackers:

1. Don’t let them get away with hiding their insults behind wit. If Wisecrackers know that you will confront them each time they make a crack, then they will think twice before insulting you again.

2. Meet with them alone.

3. Remind them about the joke and directly ask them if they meant to insult you.

4. If they say, “You’re too sensitive,” or “Can’t you take a joke?” admit that they might be right, but that you also think that they might have been serious. Then ask them again if they meant the insult, while adding that you thought you heard another crack in their comment about you not being able to take a joke, and ask them if they meant that insult as well.

5. Wisecrackers do not like confrontation, and they will think twice before victimizing you with their insults again.

Drain four, the SHELLFISH. Shellfish either find sharing pointless and uncomfortable, so they never say anything; or they are being passive-aggressive and are withdrawing their responses in order to teach you some lesson and force you to change. Silence is not necessarily a bad thing, until you have to work with them and you need them to contribute some information. Not to worry, you can use their own uncomfortable silences to encourage them to share. Here’s how you handle Shellfish:

1. If you need Shellfish to open up, you must make their staying silent more uncomfortable than communicating with you.

2. Meet with them alone and tell them exactly what you want to discuss.

3. Ask an open-ended question to get them talking. An open-ended question is any question that cannot be answered with a yes, or a no. The best open-ended questions usually begin with who, what, when, where, why and how.

4. Once you have asked your question, keep quiet and wait for the answer. Use a friendly, silent stare to show them you expect a response and are willing to wait until you get one. If they still don’t answer, or if they give you an unsatisfactory answer, you can ask another open-ended question designed to clarify what you want to know. Then, wait again. Above all, do not keep talking. Shellfish feed off your need to fill any gaps of awkward silence.

5. If they still don’t open up, you can adjourn the meeting to a later time. But before letting them off the hook, always set the time for the next meeting. Make it clear that you expect them to be ready to discuss everything at the next meeting. Try to show them how the information will be used to their benefit. Don’t let them think, for one instant, that you will let them get away with not providing the information that you need.

6. Shellfish are counting on your inability to wait them out. Once they see that you are willing to wait as long as it takes, they will usually open up in order to get you off their back.

7. If you are dealing with a passive-aggressive Shellfish—someone who is purposefully not communicating with you in order to punish you for some perceived wrong—then once they do begin to speak, they will attempt to tell you what you did wrong and how you need to change your behavior. At this point, you should listen to them and question them. However, you should not argue with them, you should not agree with them, and you should not apologize for your behavior—even if they are correct about your behavior needing to change. If you do, you will be rewarding them for the very passive-aggressive behavior that you are trying to correct.

8. Respond to everything that they say about you with open-ended questions. For example, if they say that they were hurt by something you did, then gently ask, “Why didn’t you tell me when it happened?” Make them confront their passive-aggressive behavior. As soon as passive-aggressive Shellfish begin to open-up, they often become similar to Grumblers. So, let’s learn how to deal with Grumblers next.

Drain five, the GRUMBLER. Grumblers think that their job is to find the problems of the world, while your job is to fix the problems. Most Grumblers feel helpless and never take responsibility for their own problems. The trick with Grumblers is to get them to think as problem-solvers, and to not waste your time with pointless complaints. Grumblers tend to focus on what is wrong with their lives, but they rarely do anything but grumble. If you try to solve a Grumbler’s problems, you will probably get treated to more grumbling. So, you must ask them to solve their own dilemmas. Here’s how you handle Grumblers:

1. Don’t try to solve their problems! They will only respond with all the reasons why your solutions won’t work.

2. Never verbally agree with a Grumbler. Even if you do agree with them, avoid admitting your agreement. Grumblers usually take your verbal agreement as an open invitation for more grumbling.

3. Whenever they grumble, ask them open-ended questions to make them problem-solve. Questions like, “So what would you like to do about it?” or “What do you think caused the problem?” or “Why haven’t you spoken to the person responsible?”

4. Reply to every statement, complaint and grumble that they make with a question. Put the responsibility for changing things squarely in their laps.

5. If they keep grumbling, set a time limit and ask them what they would like to accomplish within that time. Say something like, “I have to go in a minute. So, what exactly do you want me to understand before I go?”

6. If you are trying to end a conversation, but they are not reading your body signals and just keep talking, you can try this technique. Gently touch their forearm, while turning partially away and say, “Was there anything else?” They will sometimes get the strangest look in their eyes as they realize that they have nothing worthwhile to share, and say, “no.”

7. Above all, resist offering Grumblers solutions, or answers. Every solution you offer will only be met by more excuses, grumbles and complaints. So respond to everything that they say with a question. By continually asking questions, you can sometimes get Grumblers to start looking for answers on their own.

8. Eventually, they might even come up with a solution.

9. But more likely, they will simply shake their heads and go elsewhere to grumble. Either way, at least they’re no longer grumbling to you.

Drain six, the PLEASER. Pleasers agree with everyone because they want to make everyone happy. Pleasers always agree to help you because they have a desperate need for your approval. If you need Pleasers to accomplish tasks that they’ve agreed to accomplish, but haven’t found time to accomplish yet, then you should realize that they have been saying yes to everyone. They’re totally overwhelmed by their own desire to please. You need to make it safe for Pleasers to be realistic with you. Here’s how you handle Pleasers:

1. Above all be friendly. Their desire to be liked is all-important to them, and is the main reason that they are Pleasers in the first place.

2. Take your time with them. Let them know that it is okay to admit that they need help. Tell them that you can see they’re overwhelmed, then offer to help them prioritize their projects. Remind them that the only way they can really be helpful is by learning to set limits and honor their commitments.

3. Help them set a few MASTER goals to get them moving towards completing their promised tasks, including your promised task.

4. Set up weekly report sessions to monitor their progress and keep them on track. In each session, you should help them prioritize and set their goals for the upcoming week.

Drain seven, the SUPER-PLEASER. Super-Pleasers also have a desperate need for everyone around them to be happy. Their motives are similar to Pleasers, but Super-Pleasers achieve their goal by avoiding all potential conflicts. Consequently, Super-Pleasers have a hard time making decisions because they don’t want to offend or hurt anyone with their decisions. Dealing with Super-Pleasers can be difficult, especially when you need them to make a decision in order to move forward on a project. Often they are avoiding a decision because something about your proposal is bothering them, but they don’t want to offend you by pointing it out. You need to make it safe for them to be honest. You also need to make it seem unkind if they don’t offer their advice. Here’s how you handle Super-Pleasers:

1. Ask them for a favor. Tell them you would really value any comments they have regarding how your plan can be improved. Generally, they will mention a few “minor points.” These points are seldom minor. Usually these points are the very issues causing the Super-Pleasers to hesitate. If you can fix these points, you can sometimes bring a decision closer.

2. If a decision is still not made, stress how a decision, either way, would help you. Help the Super-Pleasers make a list of all the pro’s and con’s. Ask them to list the reasons for going forward with the decision, versus their doubts about going forward with the decision. Let them see on paper how the reasons outweigh their doubts.

3. Always make it safe for them to decide either for, or against. In order to make a decision, they need to know that a nice relationship will survive the decision.

4. Follow up on any decisions immediately. Take action right away to insure that once you have a commitment from them, their commitments don’t waiver.

Drain eight, the PESSIMIST. Pessimistic people tend to think that the world is unfair and out to get them. They also tend to believe that anyone who disagrees with them is simply naïve. Pessimistic people actually think that they are doing you a favor when they shoot you down. They think that they are simply showing you how life really works, and that you are better off learning from them than learning from somebody else. You should avoid these people whenever possible. Nothing sucks the creative energy out of a room faster than the constant interruptions of a pessimist. Here’s how you handle Pessimists:

1. Never argue with Pessimists, you will not win. Do not try to make them see the positive side of things, they don’t have it in them at this time.

2. More importantly, never verbally agree with Pessimists, even if they are right. The problem with Pessimists is that their statements are usually true, but never the whole truth. They always point out what might go wrong, but they never bother to consider what might go right. If you simply agree with them, they will suck you in and drain your energy.

3. In order to counteract their negative energy, use positive but realistic statements so that you can keep yourself and others from being dragged down. Statements like, “Yes, sometimes that does happen, but I’ve found that just as often it doesn’t.” Or, “Maybe you are right, but I have found in my own experience that people really do want to help if you ask them right. I know a lot of helpful people. I’m pretty lucky that way.”

4. Ask them, “What is the worst that can happen?” By pointing out that “the worst” that could happen is not so bad, and probably better than trying nothing, you can sometimes get them to admit that trying wouldn’t hurt.

5. Finally, plan on doing most of the work yourself. A Pessimist will sometimes chip in after a decision is reached, but only after telling you why your solution won’t work. Pessimists seldom start projects on their own because they usually don’t see the point.

Drain nine, the EXPERT-KNOW-IT-ALL. Expert-know-it-alls are real experts, but they tend to treat the rest of world like idiots and roll right over any opinion different from theirs. Experts are great. They generally know their subject and can help you get what you want. But, if you’re not careful, an Expert-know-it-all will also make all your decisions for you and give you something that you don’t want; like the time my computer friend upgraded my IBM to what he thought everyone ought to want, without even asking me if I wanted it. In the end, I got the computer he wanted, instead of the computer I wanted. Here’s how you handle Expert-know-it-alls:

1. If they have agreed to help you, then keep your eye on what they’re doing. Ask lots of questions and don’t let them proceed until they have explained exactly what they are doing and why.

2. Make sure you phrase any disagreements as questions, so they don’t think that you are doubting their expertise. Questions like, “If you configure my computer to automatically go on-line, won’t I lose my options?” “If you upgrade me to that operating system, what will it give me that I don’t have now?” “What if I want to do something another way, how would I go about it?”

3. If you have a different opinion than theirs, experts tend to think that you just don’t understand, so use paraphrasing to show that you understanding exactly what they are saying. Otherwise they will simply take any disagreement as an opportunity to re-explain themselves in great detail.

4. You can often use your questions to lead them towards a mutual solution, so that you can use their expertise and still not be left out of the loop.

Drain ten, the THINK-THEY-KNOW-IT-ALL. Think-they-know-it-alls are instant experts. They read one article, and suddenly they are experts on the subject. They need approval and a high degree of self importance, so they become instant experts in order to feel valuable and appear in the know. Gossips sometimes fall into this category. Think-they-know-it-alls only become a problem when they throw in their two cents, but the two cents don’t add up. In groups, this can cause a disaster. You must point out their discrepancy without causing them to lose the approval and sense of importance that is so necessary to their self-esteem. Here’s how you handle Think-they-know-it-alls:

1. Begin by acknowledging them for bringing up such an interesting point. This helps them fulfill their desperate need to look good.

2. Mention where you saw a similar piece of information, and state the authority, if possible.

3. You can now usually add the information that will clear-up their mistake without making them feel inadequate.

4. Throw in a face-saving remark so they don’t feel the need to excuse, justify, or defend their mistake. Something like, “You probably didn’t notice that information because it didn’t pertain to you.”

5. Be ready to change the subject if an awkward pause follows your remarks. Usually asking an open-ended question regarding something else will do the trick.

So, now you’ve met the top-ten most difficult people to deal with. I’m sure that you’ve recognized a few of them from your life. Hopefully, you now have a few tools to interact with them more successfully.

At this point, you might be wondering, “Can some people actually become a MULTI-DREADED-COMBO?” Well, I once had an inattentive-erupting-pessimistic-think-they-know-it-all-grumbler with a tendency towards passive-aggressive-shellfish attend my class, so my answer is an emphatic yes.

The most important thing, while dealing with any of these types, is to not let them pull you off course. In other words, don’t let them pull you into inattentive, erupting, pessimistic, defensive, complaining, or passive aggressive behavior.

Remember that these people act the way they do because their actions have worked for them in the past. You can’t change their actions, so your best choice is to make their actions ineffective on you. Once they notice that their tactics don’t work on you, they will hesitate before using them on you again. And with some people, the best that you can achieve is not allowing them to swamp your boat.

Get on with becoming the best you that you can be, so that you can begin to attract the best the river has to offer.

Source: A River Worth Riding: Fourteen Rules for Navigating Life