Something I Wish I Had Said, But Didn’t
The first in a Whackadoodle series — because sometimes we need to practice saying what matters, even if it’s after the fact.
It happened fast. One of those small moments that doesn’t seem like a big deal — until later, when it won’t leave you alone.
I’d been looking for a specific kind of chair — a folding hammock chair. Couldn’t find one in any local store. But while I was out shopping with Lena, I brought it up.
She nodded immediately.
“Oh, those are only at Costco. I want one too! Maybe we can go down together sometime and each get one.”
That’s how I learned she wanted one too.
Later, I told Claire about the episode while talking over birthday plans. You see, Lena’s notoriously hard to shop for — she tends to buy herself anything she wants before anyone else can even try. But this time? Claire had a rare opening. She could give Lena something she didn’t already have. Something Lena wanted.
Claire lit up. She was excited. Finally, she had a gift idea for Lena’s birthday—a gift that would land just right.
But then Lena at the gathering — generous and quick — offered her chair to me.
Because she knew I’d been looking.
Because she figured she could always get another.
And someone at the party — trying to be kind, trying to smooth things over — told me:
“Don’t feel guilty. Just accept the gift. It’s not a big deal. I’ll go tomorrow and get Lena a new one.”
I wanted to say something. I wanted to explain why this was wrong.
But I didn’t. I did as I was told. I shut up and accepted the gift.
The moment passed.
It hasn’t felt right since. I look at the chair and feel a hollowness.
Because that chair wasn’t supposed to be mine.
It was supposed to be Claire’s gift to Lena.
And in the rush to be gracious, Claire got skipped.
She never got to see her gift received.
And I never said what I should have said.
So here it is now — what I wish I had said:
“No, no, no. You don’t understand. Please don’t tell people not feel what they feel—because they’re going to feel it anyway. And sometimes what they feel demands to be expressed because I am not feeling guilty—I’m feeling grief over what’s been lost.
This was supposed to be Claire’s gift to Lena. She finally found something Lena wanted — something Lena hadn’t already bought. And now, because Lena is being kind — yes, I see that — she’s offering it to me.
But that means Claire loses her moment. Her chance to give a gift. He joy in surprising a loved one with something they want.
And I’m not okay with that.
So thank you. Truly. But let me go to Costco. Let Lena keep this one, as Claire’s gift. And I’ll buy my own.”
But I didn’t say it.
And now I sit with the silence.
Rewriting the moment in my mind.
And the question becomes —
Do I make a big deal of it? Do I tell Lena that I cannot keep the gift because it is supposed to be from Claire to her, and that was important to Claire?
Or do I let just it go?