Guidepost Twelve: The Power of Communication and Understanding (Aka Episode 55)

A somewhat late Whackadoodle lesson about what happens when we take guidepost twelve for granted, along with a song to make you smile.

The bridge that inspired Paul Simon’s popular song ‘59th Street Bridge’ (aka Feeling Groovy), with light post included. Image found uncredited on the internet.

Sometimes my young student can come up with the most perplexing questions. Like the other day, when she asked out of nowhere. “Have you ever noticed that people who don’t know how to listen, never seem to notice how bad they are at listening?”

“That’s a pretty broad generality,” I replied, smiling a little. I couldn’t help but wonder why it had taken her four times through the guideposts to realize that the people who need a lesson in listening the most will often reject the idea that anyone needs a lesson in listening, let alone them. Truth be told, we could all use a little refresher when it comes to listening to one another. “Is there someone in particular who has helped you make this discovery?”

She sat across from me with her chin on her fists, deep in thought. She had the face of a very troubled girl. “I mean,” she went on, completely ignoring my question. “It’s like they’re totally oblivious to what you may being doing or saying, and they make assumptions about you without confirming their understanding.” She began slowly shaking her head. “They either can’t, or maybe won’t, pay attention to body language, or tone. They’re just totally oblivious, and don’t even realize it.”

“Kind of sad, isn’t it?”

“Huh?” she sat up straighter.

“I said, it’s kind of sad when people are oblivious to how oblivious they are.”

“If you say so,” she shrugged and sort of sagged back into herself.

I watched her, waiting for her to say something until I could stand no more. “So are you going to tell me what has caused this thoughtful and frankly depressing mood?” I challenged her. Her face screwed up in hesitations, so I added. “You don’t need to use names, just tell me what’s got you so bothered.”

She let out a deep breath and eventually it all poured out like flood gates opening. “I’ve been kicked out of my bedroom because we have a visitor staying for a few weeks. I don’t really mind it. I’m used to it, and I like sleeping on the couch in front of the television anyway. Besides, she’s nice enough, it’s just…”

“Yeah,” I prompted.

“Well, last night I stayed up late working on that report I have for school. I think it was something like four in the morning when I was done, and I hadn’t decided whether I would try to get a few hours sleep, or power through the day without. I mean, sometime getting too little sleep is worse than getting no sleep, or at least it sometimes feels that way. Don’t you agree?”

“Absolutely.”

“So, I finally decided to lay down, watch some tv, and see if I could fall asleep during the commercials. I had just gotten under the covers and was watching a show, when she comes in all chipper practically singing. ‘Good Morning!’ So I mumbled back a polite good morning, and turn back to the tv. She sits down to join me, and asks, ‘Do you always work all night, and sleep all day?’ I pause the tv to answer, then I take the tv off pause and start watching the program again. But she starts talking again, so I pause the tv again, partly because it’s polite, and partly because I don’t want to miss anything in the program. I listen to her talk for a while, there is a pause and she seems to be done talking, so I take the tv off pause and start to watch my program, but as soon as I do, she starts talking again, so I paused the tv to listen. And this went on for like fifteen or twenty minutes. She’d talk. I’d pause the tv. She’d stop talking. I’d turn off the pause. She’s start talking again, and I’d pause the tv again. It might have been funny if it wasn’t so irritating. She was totally oblivious to what I was doing or saying. She could have been just talking to herself for all that she noticed me. Just oblivious! You see what I mean?”

“I suppose so,” I agreed. “But I don’t see why you’re so upset. That sort of thing happens all the time.”

“It’s because it didn’t stop there,” she insisted. “Suddenly my Dad comes in. He thinks we are having a lovely early morning conversation, so he decides to sit down and join us. The next thing I know, they are chatting away across the room totally oblivious to the fact that it’s four in the morning and their conversation is happening in what is essentially my bedroom while I’m trying to go to sleep. Naturally, I couldn’t, so I sat up in a sort of huff, and went to make myself a snack, and while I’m making it, I overhear her talking about me to my Dad. Stuff like, ‘She keeps unhealthy hours for a girl her age,’ and how worried she is because ‘the child is far too quiet’ and ‘might have antisocial tendencies.’ Oh, and my manners could use some work. Well, what about her manners? And I’m not antisocial. I just don’t feel like socializing with her, especially at four in the morning when I’m trying to sleep.”

“So let me get this straight,” I began. “You’re upset because your Mom’s friend is bad at reading body language, tone, and emotions, and because of this, has misjudged you?”

“It sounds kind of childish when you put it like that,” she confessed. “But yeah, it does upset me. I don’t know how to deal with a person like her. She can be so irritating. I know that I shouldn’t let what she thinks bother me, but it does, and that bothers me even more. And there’s something else she does. She never lets anyone else finish a story. She always interrupts to tell some similar story of her own, like she needs to one up everyone. She doesn’t even even see that she’s just interrupted someone and spoiled their punch line. Oh, and don’t dare disagree with her or try to correct her, even if you know she is wrong, because she’ll spend the rest of the day trying to prove herself right. Like, I was singing this song the the other day; Feeling Groovy by Paul Simon. I like it because it reminds me to slow down and take a moment to just enjoy the day. Well anyway, she starts insisting that it’s by some group called the Mamas and the Papas. I told her it was by Paul Simon, and she insisted I was wrong. I actually had to pull it up online to get her to shut up about it. Even then, she insisted that the Mamas and the Papas sang it first. Whatever.” That last word came with an eye roll.

“So basically, she’s a challenging individual,” I tried to sum it up for her.

“Plus,” she continued on her rant. “She tell these stories about her and my mom when they were young, but my mom always comes up to me later to say how she remembers it differently. I mean, how can people have such different memories of the same story?”

“Well, that’s not unusual. Everyone is the hero of their own story.”

“How do my mean?”

“Consider that early morning chat of yours. How do you think she is going to remember it?”

“She’s probably going to remember it as an attempt to have a pleasant conversation with someone uncooperative and antisocial.”

“And how will you remember it?”

“I will remember it as another example of how oblivious she can be.”

“And your Dad. How will he remember it?”

“Probably as a chance to get a midnight snack while chatting with a friend.”

“And what does that tell you?”

She glowered at me. “That everyone remembers everything differently because they see things differently at the time,” she answered against her will. “It’s so easy to understand when you put it that way, but it’s hard to remember at the time, especially when someone is so irritating. She goes around like she’s so accepting and open minded, when really she’s just so judgmental, always offering her opinion and telling people what they ought to do and how they ought to think. She simply loves to point out when people make mistakes.”

“So how much of your energy and time are you going to let her steal from you?” I finally asked in order to change her focus.

She looked at me grudgingly. “Are you suggesting that I am wasting my time grumbling and I need to get over it?”

“No, I am suggesting that you evaluate the relationship and decide how valuable it is to you. I am suggesting that you decide how much time and energy you want to put into it because right now you appear to be putting a lot of time and energy into thinking about it.”

“What if I don’t want to put any time into it?”

“Then you are wasting your time grumbling. The only good thing that ever comes out of grumbling is an occasional solution.” The look she sent me screamed, ‘Whatever,’ so I added, “You seem to be forgetting that Guidepost Twelve has two parts. Yes, the first part is all about learning how to communicate more effectively. How to overcome communication barriers and respond appropriately to body language. How to listen past words and discover perspectives, motives, attitudes. How to check in to make sure that you’ve heard accurately and have been taken accurately. But don’t forget that the Guidepost has a second half, and that’s all about understanding. Understanding when and how communication becomes difficult if not impossible. Understanding why people believe and act as they do. Understanding when to take action and when to let go. You’ve gotten very good at the first half of the guidepost. So much so that you get irritated when the people around you crash into misunderstandings and assumptions. However, that second part of the Guidepost might still need some work.”

“So I’m simply supposed to understand her?” she asked sarcastically. “I don’t know what good that’s gonna do.”

“My dear, it’s not just about trying to understand her, although that is incredibly important, it’s also about understanding yourself and why you react the way you do. For instance, during that early morning chat, why didn’t you just say, ‘Hey guys, I really do need to get some sleep here.’?”

“I don’t know,” she began picking at her sleeve. “I didn’t want to be rude.”

“So you pretended to listen until you got so irritated that you, in your own words, stood up in a huff and left the room to fix food for yourself?”

She gave me a hard stare and informed me dryly, “You and your guideposts can be really annoying sometimes, you know that?”

That made me laugh out loud. “I am well aware of that. So how about we give ourselves a treat? Something to remind us both to slow down and not move so fast? Perhaps something that will bring out a certain smile that has been missing all day.”

“What kind of treat?”

I didn’t answer, I simply pulled out my iPad and found the song. Soon we were both smiling and singing along.

I hope you will do the same.

The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)

By Paul Simon & Art Garfunkel

Slow down, you move too fast
You got to make the morning last
Just kicking down the cobble stones
Looking for fun and feelin' groovy

Ba da, da, da, da, da, da
Feelin' groovy

Hello lamp-post, whatcha knowin'?
I've come to watch your flowers growin'
Ain't cha got no rhymes for me?
Doot-in' doo-doo, feelin' groovy

Ba da, da, da, da, da, da
Feelin' groovy

I've got no deeds to do, no promises to keep
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me
Life, I love you, all is groovy

Ba da, da, da, da, da, da
Ba da, da, da, da, da, da
Ba da, da, da, da, da, da
Ba da, da, da, da, da, da

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