Guidepost Thirteen: The Power of Persuasion and Influence (Aka Episode 56)

A few Whackadoodle words regarding personality disorders, prospecting, having a Moral Compass, and cutting ties.

Photo by Matt Seymour on Unsplash

We had finished our tutoring session early, so I offered her some tea while she waited for her ride home. I was busy boiling water when she asked, “Do you think that sometimes people don’t even know when they do something wrong?”

“Possibly, even probably. Not all moral compasses point to the same north.”

“Huh?”

“Your moral compass,” I repeated. “Your sense of right and wrong. Your ability to make choices, and your ability to live with your choices without making excuses for yourself, or assigning blame.”

“How do know where a moral compass points?”

“I suppose it’s different for everyone,” I shrugged, and reached for the cups. “I kind of follow Nevil Shute’s advice when it comes to following my moral compass.”

“Who’s Nevil Shute?”

“Only one of the finest novelists of the twentieth century. He wrote a book called Round the Bend. I read it when I was in Middle school. There’s this fable about Moses and Mohammed in it that has sort of haunted me ever since.

“So what’s the fable?”

I sat down in front of her to wait for the water to boil, and explained, “It begins with Moses and his journey up the mountain, where he is asked by God to have his people pray fifty times a day. This request is quickly seen as unrealistic, what with the golden calf and all, so God relents and simply asks that his people keep the Sabbath holy. A few thousand years later, Mohammed has his own version of that conversation on the mountain, where he is asked by God to have his people pray fifty time a day. As he returns from his journey, Mohammed meets Moses, and after discussing God’s request, Mohammad is convinced by Moses to return to God and ask for an easier burden. Again, God relents, and this time requires that his people only pray five time a day. At this point in the fable, the storyteller turns to his audience and asks, ‘But what if we did pray fifty times a day? What if every time we completed a task, we simply prayed, ‘Have I done well?’ If we did,” concludes the storyteller, “We could easily fulfill God’s request for fifty prayers each day.’”

“Nice fable, but I don’t see why it would haunt you.”

“I suppose it’s because I tried it. I was twelve years old; I’d just finished reading the story; my mother asked me to clean the kitchen; and I decided to try it. I washed one dish, then I prayed, “Have I done well?” An amazing thing happened. I felt an answer. I clearly knew that I had done well. After washing each dish, I prayed again. Each time I prayed, I knew instantly whether I had done well, or whether I hadn’t. I didn’t stop with just doing the dishes, and by the time I finished cleaning that kitchen, it gleamed.” I added for emphasis. “I’m talking about a ‘ready for a cover shot on Food Magazine’ gleam. The experience taught me that we all have the gift of conscience; we just don’t always listen to it…”

“Wait a minute,” she interrupted, shaking her head. “I think I read somewhere that something like one to four percent of humans are sociopaths, so they don’t really have a conscience, or maybe it’s psychopaths. I always get the two mixed up.”

“You and everyone else. Which is probably why phycologists don’t really use the term sociopath anymore,” I replied, getting up to find teabags and the cups. “They call it antisocial personality disorder these days, and people with the disorder do have a conscience, albeit a weak one. Plus they have a tendency to blame whatever bad happens on everyone else, so that makes their weak conscience even weaker.” I looked over my shoulder at her. “I prefer to worry less about the four percent with ASPD, and focus on the ninety-six percent without it.”

“Still,” she insisted, “It’s important to know that your little fable won’t work for some people.”

“May not work for a lot,” I corrected. “But that fact has less to do with ASPD and more to do with how a community defines ‘doing well’.

“How do you mean?”

“The definition of ‘doing well’ is a cultural construct. A sociopath might ignore it’s community’s social norms because they don’t think the rules should apply to them, but the rest of us are ruled by social norms. Just try getting into an elevator some time, and instead of facing the doors like everyone else, you just stand facing your fellow passengers and stare at them. Everyone will start to feel uncomfortable, even you.”

“That’s just weird.”

“And consider that in some cultures, rape victims are put to death because death is considered preferable to the shame and dishonor of surviving rape. In such a culture, killing the rape victim would be considered honorable, as ‘doing well.’”

“Yech,” she spat out.

“Didn’t like that? Well, consider the home front. If one were to believe that massive voter fraud and cheating cost an election, one might define storming a Capitol to prevent an illegitimate certification of that election as ‘doing well.’ Plus, the people we hang out with, love and respect, will reinforce those beliefs and norms.”

“Stop wigging me out, and get to your point.”

I moved back to the table, tea in hand, and planted myself opposite her. “My point is that you’re much more likely to run into a belief system that throws you off course than you are to run into a true sociopath. Conflicting belief systems throw us off course all the time.” I passed her cup to her.

“So what do you do if you get thrown off course?”

“You decide whether to steer around it, or to steer through it.”

“Huh?”

“Steering around it means you avoid it to the best of your ability. It’s like,” I paused to find the right words. “Lets just say that most experts agree that when dealing with certain personality disorders, it is often best to cut all ties.”

“That seems harsh.”

“Better than living with their disrespect, manipulation, compulsive lying, and sense of superiority. Here,” I added, taking out my iPad. “I’ll let an expert reassure you.”

If Someone You Know Has APD

If a friend or loved one shows signs of antisocial personality disorder, it can be very difficult for them to get the help they may need. In many cases, they may not accept or acknowledge that there is even an issue with their behavior.

At a certain point, you may have to decide if the relationship is worth preserving. Set clear boundaries, and make it known that you will stick to those boundaries, even if it means cutting ties.

Letting someone go may be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do, but ultimately it may be for the best. As always, it's most important to take care of yourself and your needs, and surround yourself with people who enrich your life, support you, and appreciate your support of them.

Source: Psychopath vs. Sociopath: What Are the Differences? (verywellmind.com)

She read through the article while blowing on her tea, and ultimately informed me, “I still think it’s harsh, but I get the idea.”

“Being willing to cut ties actually reminds me of this lecture about prospecting that I used to give in my sales classes.”

“Oh lord,” she rolled her eyes. “Am I about to get a lecture?”

“Not if you don’t want one.”

“No, no, go ahead. I know you’re dying to.”

“Well,” I paused to put my thoughts in order. “Most people who go into sales try to make everyone into their customer when in reality, the eighty-twenty rule applies. Only twenty percent of the people you contact will ever be potential customers. Only twenty percent of those twenty will actually be golden customers.”

“What’s a golden customer?”

“Someone with a problem you can solve, or a need you can fill, who also has the means to afford your help. In sales, finding those people is called prospecting, and for good reason. Have you ever been prospecting for gold?”

“No,” she grimaced. “Have you?”

“Once, when I was a kid. My parents took our family to this mining museum where they had set up this trough so that people could try their hand at panning for gold. They had laced the trough with dust you see, so if you did it right, you really could find gold. The thing is, in order to reveal the gold, you have to remove the lighter sediments. The whole point is to remove the lighter sediments from the pan, so all you have left is the gold.”

“Okay,” she nodded pointedly, “But what does that have to do with people?”

“Trying to turn everyone into a customer, or a friend, or a supporter, is like trying to keep all the sand and dirt in the pan. The whole point of prospecting is to wash away the sediments so you can focus on the gold. That twenty percent who are persuadable. That twenty percent you can influence. That twenty percent who add value to your life.”

“So what? You just wash eighty percent of the people out of your life?”

“No, of course not. You treat everyone with respect. You grant everyone their dignity. You give everyone good customer service even when they aren’t, nor will ever be, a customer. However, you don’t get angry, or frustrated, or sad, when things don’t work out the way you want. You don’t let the negative, frustrating, complacent, or down right toxic folks that you will meet on your way keep you from finding gold.”

“Humm,” she grunted. “I suppose that’s something to think about for the rest of the day.”

She looked at the time and began packing up her study supplies. Session over, I started to clean up tea things. She was almost at the door when she whorled around to ask, “Hang on. You talked about steering around potential problems, but what about steering through them?”

“I don’t like the word problem; I prefer the word challenge,” I replied, partially distracted by the cups I was balancing on my way to the kitchen sink.

“Whatever,” she waved her hand dismissively. “I want to know what you meant by steer through.”

“I meant that should you decide to confront a conflicting belief, you should use the tools of persuasion, influence, and logic to help you navigate through them. We’ve talk a lot about those guideposts before, so I don’t think I need to remind you.”

“Right,” she nodded. “You had the Nine Step Sales Process, How to Wake Someone Out of Their Assumptions: The Socratic Method of Persuasion, that’s the one where you’re supposed to ask,” she struggled to remember the word and asked, “What were those questions we’re supposed to ask called again?”

“Elenchus questions designed to ‘wake men out of their dogmatic slumbers into genuine intellectual curiosity.’”

“Right, right. I remember now. In fact, I remember you have a whole bunch of articles on persuasion.”

“So I don’t have to repeat myself?” I asked grinning.

“Nah,” she grinned back. “I think I can manage.”

“Of course there are some potential conflicts that just aren’t important enough to worry about. You can just steer around those.”

“How can a conflict not be important? Aren’t all conflicts important?”

“Not really,” I replied, searching for a good example. “I have this very dear friend who swears by Echinacea and Golden Seal. She carries the supplements with her at all times, and if anyone so much as sneezes, she hands them a pill and begins to proselytize about its effectiveness. Now, I could tell her that numerous studies have been done on both herbs, and while Golden Seal may have some medical applications, Echinacea has the same effect as a placebo when it comes to preventing or treating the common cold. Which is actually quite good, since placebos really can have an effect on a patient who believes in them. But I do not tell her this, and I do not tell her that because I don’t believe in them the placebo effect is unlikely to work on me. No, I simply accept the pills, say thank you, and talk about other things. Why upset her and take away what has become a very effective placebo for her? However, I do ask if she has seen a certain Mayo Clinic article suggesting that people who take high blood pressure medication should avoid echinacea because it changes how the medication metabolizes, and then I send her a link to the article supporting my concern. Can you see the difference between the two situations? One, I steer around. The other, I steer through.”

“I think so,” she nodded. “If the effect matters, you try to steer through it with persuasion and influence. If the effect doesn’t matter, you just steer around.”

“Exactly.”

“Something more to think about,” she muttered, and headed out the door.

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